it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
