After last night, I could never be a politician.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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