Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
