Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
