At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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