a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
