Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
