real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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