Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
