Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
