I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
