White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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