he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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