i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
