You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
