never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
