I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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