I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
