I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
