I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
