: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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