If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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