Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
