just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
