I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
