I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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