Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
