i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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