he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
