Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
