So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize