theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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