This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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