Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize