And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
My underwear smells like fireworks.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
