do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Less talking, more tequila
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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