we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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