my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
