he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
