Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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