How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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