Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
