If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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