i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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