I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
