Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
