This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
