i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
