she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize