I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
